Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
