You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
