fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
