Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
