You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
