my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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