so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
