the day after is always just damage control
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
