Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
