I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
