they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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