wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
