He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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