Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Two words: nipple clamps
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