Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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