nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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