Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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