also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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