i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
