blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
