ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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