I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
