My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
