Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
