Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
