If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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