genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm passing your future prison.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
