You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
