At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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