I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
