Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
