Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
