White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Did you just see the Batmobile???
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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