if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
