Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
