I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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