Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
