I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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