last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
