I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
