that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
