Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
