My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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