Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
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