i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
