you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
