Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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