My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
