he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
