I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
