I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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