so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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