apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
