apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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